8-bit nerd’s blog

okay so i need to elaborate on this whole jealousy thing. like...it's not that it's really easy for me to get jealous quickly..it's just certain people and situations that occur that drive me insane with jealousy. i know that when most of you hear jealousy you think of hatred for other people and a bunch of negative actions and deceitful and malicious intent towards people involved...

but my kind of jealousy turns into self hatred.
and the things that i get jealous about mostly are when i am overlooked and over shadowed by girls that are obviously more attractive than me.
regardless of their personality or the fact that they might be playing several different hearts at the same time cause they use their superficial attributes to get away with it all...but regardless of their personality or their malicious intents or lack of intelligence or big ego's...it is still not their fault that they have good genes and turned out pretty, with nice skin, nice bodies perfect teeth and smile..pretty hair...etc. and because it's not their fault...thats why for me personally...my jealousy of those girls, turns back around on me and consumes my very soul. all that jealousy and envious desires, turns into self hatred. i start hating myself for things i cant control....sure i could lose weight...i'm at the gym every day or every other day working my ass off, but i haven't seen results yet and my genes are just from heavy set people anyway so who knows if i will ever be as thin as an average girl. but i cant change my face...i cant change my big nose or bad skin. i cant change my eyes or the black under my eyes and i sure as hell cant change any other superficial attribute of mine that will make me any more desirable. and so i have a sense of helplessness and sadness. the boys i end up liking soooo much would never ever date me and most of them wont even be my friend and hang out with me because their friends will judge them for hanging out with someone that doesn't fit their idea of an attractive person so they just disregard me all together. am i lesser than that of a human? do i not at least deserve friendships, regardless of weight or appearance? life has shown me ..no. no i don't deserve that. i have 4 really beautiful best friends....and every time i'm with them it makes me wonder why i was blessed with such amazing people.

jon - jon is like the brother i never fucking had. i would and could tell him anything and i always have felt close to him even back in the days when he was in a band and i was a girl who worked at the venue he played at. he means so much to me that i would just collapse if he ever left me. id do anything for jon because hes so close to my heart.

shanda - shanda loves me for who i am completely. she knows everything about me, ive told her every little silly or dirty or retarded and embarrassing thing ive done..and yet she still embraces who i am and loves me. shes really pretty and every time we go out to bars guys are all over here every second, regardless of where we go, yet she still puts her arm around me and lets people know im there with her....and i've seen peoples confusion on why someone so pretty would be hanging out with a little fat white girl with tattoos but she does and im so thankful for her and i would do anything for her too.

walter - walter is one of the most amazing people ive ever met. i can tell him how i feel about anything and he wont get mad or argue. hes always there to get me out of trouble, just like shanda is, and hes always there to make me feel better when i feel defeated and depressed. he never turns me down for a night of dancing and drinking and hes one of the best dancers i know and one of the most hilarious people ive ever known. he is my sunshine and i could not live without him.

andy - even though andy and i disagree on mostly everything, theres a bond that holds us together so closely. and i am so grateful for his friendship and his love. he is so talented and wonderful and sometimes i don't think that he realizes just how beautiful and awesome he is and he really should because i see it everyday.
andy is also someone that i never will let go of.

so those are my ultimate best friends and life partners. i dont want to have to survive without any of them in my life on a constant basis.

back to my rant..everyone says looks dont matter and that someone willc ome along and see WHO i am instead of what i LOOK like....but its all fabricated false realities to pacify those of us who werent born with outer beauty and charm. it sucks because it makes me hate myself constantly. and that is crazy for me because i have a lot of confidence and determination for the most part of life but every single time i get treated like a leper by some cute boy i start to adore....i feel so defeated and even though i always get back on my feet and start trucking thru life again, as i get older it strikes deeper because its only gonna get worse, and one day i wont be able to bear it. i am not getting any younger or any more attractive....i should not feel such a gloomy desperate future for myself at age 22. i should be enjoying life and being happy, but that hasn't really happened for me yet because of how people treat me. and you might ask why i care what people think of me, and i care because i don't want to be alone anymore. i care because i have a great personality and i'm fully capable to love someone whole heartedly and care for and emotionally support someone who in turn cares for me. for those of you that know me pretty well, you know i have a HUGE heart...a heart that is big enough to explode someone. but i never get the opportunity to share it with anyone..and all for reasons that i cant  help.
and thats so sad. thats tragic sad.

and i am so sick of people always saying "well everyone feels this way, its not just you"  yeah well say that to me when a week later your with the boy i only wish would talk to me...or your with a girl that i will never ever look like or could ever hope to look like. those people that say that everyone feels that way, well thats fine but that feeling goes away as soon as their with someone. but for me, that part never happens. so i ALWAYS feel this way. and i'm not trying to throw a pity party or fish for compliments...i am trying to be honest and real with how i feel and how life is for me. i may not have much to offer but the very few things i do have to offer, are things that most of society lacks....like honesty and unconditional love.

if you have anything to say to this post, go ahead, but don't leave some generic bullshit message like "aw router you aren't ugly/fat" because im not fishing for that bullshit. and don't fucking leave anything else thats gonna piss me off. i'm basically just giving insight to my mind and my life and the emotions i deal with on a regular basis.

but i would like to ask my closest friends or people who are around me alot, to give me some feedback as to how they view me...cause maybe besides being unattractive appareance wise...maybe my personality is unattractive too, and that i can at least change if needed....this would be helpful. thanks. and i appreciate brutal honesty. im not scared of honesty. 

/end rant

okay so i need to elaborate on this whole jealousy thing. like...it's not that it's really easy for me to get jealous quickly..it's just certain people and situations that occur that drive me insane with jealousy. i know that when most of you hear jealousy you think of hatred for other people and a bunch of negative actions and deceitful and malicious intent towards people involved...

but my kind of jealousy turns into self hatred.
and the things that i get jealous about mostly are when i am overlooked and over shadowed by girls that are obviously more attractive than me.
regardless of their personality or the fact that they might be playing several different hearts at the same time cause they use their superficial attributes to get away with it all...but regardless of their personality or their malicious intents or lack of intelligence or big ego's...it is still not their fault that they have good genes and turned out pretty, with nice skin, nice bodies perfect teeth and smile..pretty hair...etc. and because it's not their fault...thats why for me personally...my jealousy of those girls, turns back around on me and consumes my very soul. all that jealousy and envious desires, turns into self hatred. i start hating myself for things i cant control....sure i could lose weight...i'm at the gym every day or every other day working my ass off, but i haven't seen results yet and my genes are just from heavy set people anyway so who knows if i will ever be as thin as an average girl. but i cant change my face...i cant change my big nose or bad skin. i cant change my eyes or the black under my eyes and i sure as hell cant change any other superficial attribute of mine that will make me any more desirable. and so i have a sense of helplessness and sadness. the boys i end up liking soooo much would never ever date me and most of them wont even be my friend and hang out with me because their friends will judge them for hanging out with someone that doesn't fit their idea of an attractive person so they just disregard me all together. am i lesser than that of a human? do i not at least deserve friendships, regardless of weight or appearance? life has shown me ..no. no i don't deserve that. i have 4 really beautiful best friends....and every time i'm with them it makes me wonder why i was blessed with such amazing people.

jon - jon is like the brother i never fucking had. i would and could tell him anything and i always have felt close to him even back in the days when he was in a band and i was a girl who worked at the venue he played at. he means so much to me that i would just collapse if he ever left me. id do anything for jon because hes so close to my heart.

shanda - shanda loves me for who i am completely. she knows everything about me, ive told her every little silly or dirty or retarded and embarrassing thing ive done..and yet she still embraces who i am and loves me. shes really pretty and every time we go out to bars guys are all over here every second, regardless of where we go, yet she still puts her arm around me and lets people know im there with her....and i've seen peoples confusion on why someone so pretty would be hanging out with a little fat white girl with tattoos but she does and im so thankful for her and i would do anything for her too.

walter - walter is one of the most amazing people ive ever met. i can tell him how i feel about anything and he wont get mad or argue. hes always there to get me out of trouble, just like shanda is, and hes always there to make me feel better when i feel defeated and depressed. he never turns me down for a night of dancing and drinking and hes one of the best dancers i know and one of the most hilarious people ive ever known. he is my sunshine and i could not live without him.

andy - even though andy and i disagree on mostly everything, theres a bond that holds us together so closely. and i am so grateful for his friendship and his love. he is so talented and wonderful and sometimes i don't think that he realizes just how beautiful and awesome he is and he really should because i see it everyday.
andy is also someone that i never will let go of.

so those are my ultimate best friends and life partners. i dont want to have to survive without any of them in my life on a constant basis.

back to my rant..everyone says looks dont matter and that someone willc ome along and see WHO i am instead of what i LOOK like....but its all fabricated false realities to pacify those of us who werent born with outer beauty and charm. it sucks because it makes me hate myself constantly. and that is crazy for me because i have a lot of confidence and determination for the most part of life but every single time i get treated like a leper by some cute boy i start to adore....i feel so defeated and even though i always get back on my feet and start trucking thru life again, as i get older it strikes deeper because its only gonna get worse, and one day i wont be able to bear it. i am not getting any younger or any more attractive....i should not feel such a gloomy desperate future for myself at age 22. i should be enjoying life and being happy, but that hasn't really happened for me yet because of how people treat me. and you might ask why i care what people think of me, and i care because i don't want to be alone anymore. i care because i have a great personality and i'm fully capable to love someone whole heartedly and care for and emotionally support someone who in turn cares for me. for those of you that know me pretty well, you know i have a HUGE heart...a heart that is big enough to explode someone. but i never get the opportunity to share it with anyone..and all for reasons that i cant  help.
and thats so sad. thats tragic sad.

and i am so sick of people always saying "well everyone feels this way, its not just you"  yeah well say that to me when a week later your with the boy i only wish would talk to me...or your with a girl that i will never ever look like or could ever hope to look like. those people that say that everyone feels that way, well thats fine but that feeling goes away as soon as their with someone. but for me, that part never happens. so i ALWAYS feel this way. and i'm not trying to throw a pity party or fish for compliments...i am trying to be honest and real with how i feel and how life is for me. i may not have much to offer but the very few things i do have to offer, are things that most of society lacks....like honesty and unconditional love.

if you have anything to say to this post, go ahead, but don't leave some generic bullshit message like "aw router you aren't ugly/fat" because im not fishing for that bullshit. and don't fucking leave anything else thats gonna piss me off. i'm basically just giving insight to my mind and my life and the emotions i deal with on a regular basis.

/end rant

who the fuck.. do some people think they are?

i wanna go home! i want to be with jon.

i want to be with walter and shanda.

i want to be with travis.

i want to be surrounded by people that love me.

i haven't felt loved in sooooo long.

and don't you even get me started on trashy whore girls who use the fact that they are prettier than me in every way as an advantage against me. that is bullshit.

/end whiney rant
*runs off crying*

I haven't blogged in a while.
Someone inspired me too though.

So I really need to get my social life back, but with all the hours I am working. It doesn't look like it will happen.
However, I guess it's a good thing that I am learning to get used to working long hours and learning how to have a career instead of a "job".
That is valuable experience that will be useful for all sorts of things in my life.

There is a boy that I totally adore currently, but he is kinda far, and that really sucks.

Buh.

Right now I am listening to a lot of 3oh!3, Of Montreal and Creature Feature.
These are all great things.

I really REALLY do not want summer to end. I love the warm summer nights, and the warm summer rains.
I love laying down on the ground wiht my guitar, in the middle of a summer night and just closing my eyes and playing music.
It really is beautiful and you should do it before the summer is over. Even if you don't play an instrument just go lay down and close your eyes
and breath in the remainder of the summer air. There is something about it so amazing, that I cannot describe.

Speaking of playng music I have 3 new songs in the works and I will try to get them posted ASAP.
I need to get a new preamp. A phantom powered one apparently.

Anyhow, I am at work and so I really should get going cause it is almost food time.

Ciao.

well, we made love like a pair of black wizards.
you freed me from the past..
you fucked the suburbs out of me.
oh well those ugly days..
they made us so sick.

i woke up sick this morning. it sucks.

but just one more week and i will be in fort worth and get to see all my friends.

and in a few more weeks i will be in my new apartment.

yay.

it's going to get harder
and it's going to burn brighter
and it's going to feel tougher each and every day
so let me say that i love you
you're all that i've ever wanted
all that i've ever dreamed of to come
and yes you did come
i want you so bad
can you feel it too?
you know i'm so, i'm so in love you
i want you so much
i need you so much
i need you, i need you, your touch

i'd swim the ocean for you
the ocean for you
whoa, ohohohoh 

there's people here but you are gone
and i'm fine, still swimmin through time..
afraid some days i've reached the shore..

"make yourself free" a man said that to me
now my heart is like an open door.

it's not my weight, that makes me faint
or the sugar in my blood..
but the way these strangers stand so close...

they say my name, like a guessing game..
"hey, is that really you?"
well i don't think it ever was..

in the spring, when the world's turnin' green
i only think about the fall..
the frets on the board, my progression of chords..
oh how i want this to resolve.

Oh I went to the Doctor, I said Doctor please,
what do you do when your true love leaves?
He said the hardest thing in the world to do,
is to find somebody believes in you.

Make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad sad song
Make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad song...

And so I went to the whippoorwill, I said whippoorwill please,
what do you do when your true love leaves?
He said I only have but one trick up my sleeve,
I sing it over and over 'til she comes back to me.

I make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad sad song
I make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad song...

And so I went to the whale, I said killer whale please,
what do you do when your true love leaves?
He said I only have but one trick up my sleeve,
I sing it over and over 'til she comes back to me.

I make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad sad song
I make a sad, make a sad, make a sad sad song...

Oh I went to my mama, I said mama please,
what do you do when your true love leaves?
She said the hardest thing in the world to do,
is to find somebody believes in you.

Heh I have been so bad about not blogging on here.

I WILL however say that DAVS is the love of my life and that I had a shitty birthday ever.

KTHX!!

Can haz more updatez latersz.